An update on my weight/food/life journey…well wow. In some ways nothing is new, but in other ways nothing is the same. As the saying goes, change is inevitable, growth is optional. Subtitle I saw on the internet: “Oh no, not another learning experience.”
A new school year always brings a few fresh faces into what I would call an unusually tight-knit staff and work environment. This year there’s a bigger a job-change in my own part of that, the sharing of my job (which was requested by me), which has me facing some, um, growth opportunities as well. Juggling into this my renewed recommitment to better, more consistent strength training (which waned over the last year when my father moved here and my old gym closed) has been another interesting factor, one that is bringing a challenge that should have been predictable, one I’ve faced and abided before, but one I find I am nevertheless daunted and frustrated by. There are still some heavy time demands and emotional challenges I’m facing both with my aging father and the life-launching struggles of one of our (grown) children. These two challenges especially, also have an impact on my home-marriage life. Another change is that my only sibling, my sister, is in the process of moving to town, this has been an almost exclusively positive change, an exciting one too, as she is building a beautiful home and even though I’m a little jealous (I have “pantry envy”!), it’s been fun to watch. Having her here will help a lot with our father, but as a change (we haven’t lived in the same city for 25 years) it is still a bit of a challenge.
It is also becoming just a little tricky and uncomfortable for me to write about some things here because there are now some people in my personal/school life who know about and at least occasionally visit this site. It brings another dimension and challenge to discussing all this, as it would not be okay with me if, for instance, they (understandably) felt compelled to post “their own side” of any experiences I might relate here (just as it wouldn’t be okay for any of YOUR friends/family to comment about your journey here either). It’s not that they don’t or can’t have interesting or meaningful input, it’s that I’m not here to work things out with THEM, I know I can and will do that elsewhere. I’m here only to work things out within ME, the part of me that is a food addict and as such has to (over?)process things a little differently.
At my job, each year some of our newer staff members notice and eventually comment on the unusualness of my food/eating. It can be anything from “wow, that smells so good, what is that?” and “you always bring such healthy lunches” to “ugh, what is that smell?” (usually plain unheated cooked cabbage or broccoli). One challenge I haven’t faced in a while is what I would describe (although perhaps the speaker would not) as a slightly-uncomfortable, nervous “oh you are SO funny” comment several times, when food discussion comes up, along with many questions about what I eat (but never why, at least not so far). ONE of these exchanges had me discussing (defending?)—then, surprisingly, craving—apples for several days.
The strength training fits in here in that I am gaining muscle (my bodyfat percentage has gone down 5% I learned yesterday) and although I’ve also lost some fat, the number on the scale is gradually going up, so is my appetite. As someone who has learned to run on a kind of auto-pilot with hunger and life management, this is a change that has rattled me a bit. I just sort of know (from experience in honing out the details of my now auto-pilot plan) that I need some more carbs (ketosis is too heavy) and more calories, and I am trying to carefully experiment with that, but both time limitations and habit have made that a little challenging too, I’m guessing it’s baby-stepping out of that quiet habit-comfort zone eating place that has me a bit rattled. That plus just being hungrier than I am used to being.
I WANTED to test fruit, and apples especially after that exchange I just mentioned when she was chomping on what sure looked like a really sweet, glistening, crunchy apple! That old “I SHOULD be able to eat apples, they’re a natural, healthy, even paleo-correct food, I know I need to increase my carbs, I SHOULD go ahead and test apples, yeah maybe apples would help me now” thinking pattern returned. But I have been on this journey long enough now to be absolutely, positively sure that, sigh, fruit is the last thing I need, fruit brings cravings back every single time—this time even seeing and talking about apples helped bring the cravings back. I have tested fruits plenty, I have never gotten any result except my body can’t do fruit without dissolving into wanting almost nothing BUT fruit. Fair or right, I am positive that much is true so, sigh again, I abided and the cravings passed.
Instead I have been experimenting with eating a small amount (½ cup) of baked yam when I’m starving and need more carbs. I’ve had 3 now in the last 3 weeks, one day recently I put it on Fitday and it helped balance the pie-chart in a more-carbs direction. I like yams fine, but I don’t dissolve or think about when is the next time I can have one, I don’t eventually come undone. I also keep thinking I should try eating some cooked carrots with dinner, but so far I haven’t gotten around to that, I already eat carrots almost daily as a snack and in at least one salad daily. So that’s the eating change/challenge.
The emotional part of this which I will just keep abiding is that my weight is creeping up, I’m bouncing between 143-144 these days, don’t think I’ve seen 142 since one or two times last week. According to the trainer I’ve only put on one pound from the first day (I know I probably did lose some weight/muscle when I fell and was laid up for about 6 weeks, my weight dropped briefly into the 130’s then), and again, the bodyfat has dropped, so that’s good. Anyway, I’ve talked this extreme/excessive fear of mine over with him, I’m discussing it here and deciding to abide. I know I look and feel better. I just signed up for more sessions with him through November, I have also learned through this that having an appointment for me right now is a powerful motivator, I am learning that right now I have more valid excuses than anyone I know to NOT go to the gym. So I go and pay someone to MAKE me do it and do it RIGHT. It feels very worth it.
The father stuff and the son stuff is just the stuff of life, the job stuff probably is too. It IS nice having more time off, even if I do spend 75% of it with my father, it is much less stressful than it was last year, even if at first it’s a little more work explaining what, why and how I do things at my job then trusting someone else do it (right). I can definitely feel some of my perfectionist and control issues coming to the fore. I have a little too much of myself and my self-worth invested in that job that I’m having to let go of. She’s even had some good suggestions for changes, a good example of a fresh perspective coming in. Even if she does eat apples. (wink)
Adele (143 this morning)