Were I to eat cookies, wouldn’t it be smarter, better all around if they were homemade, the result of someone’s love, time and attention?  Or how about making some homemade “lowcarb” ones?  Well of course, but, well, I have absolutely no strength or smarts when it comes to cookies! 

More than fourteen years into this, having abstained from sugar and grains since 1996—save one “planned cheat” day in December 1998, which thankfully segued into my final lesson with all this—those crappy cookies and their brethren—still beckon. 

When we begin down this road, after the initial cravings die down, it’s not uncommon to assume they are actually, finally gone, that we are over wanting foods that don’t work for us.   Then later, when we find ourselves wanting something we’d be better off not eating, we think something must be terribly wrong.   But the truth is that sustained abstinence only minimizes the want, it will never eliminate it. 

I used to approach dieting by telling myself that cookies “will always be there” when I am done.  I could postpone, procrastinate about cookies, and then have them, you know, in moderation, when I was DONE with the diet.  The way normal people with normal bodies eat cookies. 

All these years later, I still know I would not be able to stop with one.  I am as weak against sugar and breads as when I began—probably even weaker since I’m completely out of practice with dealing with intense cravings.  Because I am not normal when it comes to these things, I am an addict.  Abstinence has not made me normal, or strong, at all. 

Not eating cookies looks like strength to other people.  “You are always so strong, you always eat so healthy…” usually accompanied by a big sigh.  I hear that a lot, enough to grow a little annoyed by it.  I have thought of asking the next person who says it if it’s supposed to be a compliment, and follow that by asking them if they remark to alcoholics how strong they are for abstaining? 

But I won’t.  I already know that it’s not meant unkindly at all, perhaps part compliment and part statement of mild frustration at their own lack of “strength”. 

I am not strong.  All I am is a little more grown up and experienced enough to know I don’t always adore the choices I have.  I know where eating cookies would lead me and despite the fact that I dearly love those totally empty, mindless confections, I know that eating them will lead me only to where I would rather not go.  Yes, theoretically I might eat some (let’s be truthful, I’d eat the whole package), then recover.  But that was part of my old dance.  I don’t want to recover anymore, it’s too much work. 

In the old days I was right.  Cookies “will always be there.”

Adele, 143 this morning

Looking back over things for the last couple of years, it’s still clear that I am in the midst of some major but normal life shifts, many of which I have talked about before on this thread. But as I continue down the path, I think continuing to glance backwards to see where I’ve been and where (and how) I’m going, helps me come to helpful little insights and inner reconciliations. For me anyway, the diet-life lessons seem neverending.

My husband and I have become empty nesters, not with total grace or gratification I would add. At the same time we have taken over a lot of the care of my nearly blind, 90-year-old father, a job I am finding akin to taking care of a toddler. I often joke and say the only difference is that when I take him shopping, at least I don’t have to look for him hiding under the clothes racks.
As of November my only sibling, my sister and her husband, have begun (slowly) moving their newly-empty nest to the same town where we live and I am thrilled by that, but it is also a new diet-life challenge/change for me to be a part of much more frequent family gatherings. It’s essentially been a “Thanksgiving Weekend” here every weekend since Thanksgiving. This is challenging my ability to be “serene” (for lack of a better word) about leading with an abstinent diet. In my previous LWTD life eating challenges were not nearly so frequent. I can handle this without falling apart and cheating—there’s truly no way I’d go back now—but it’s taking more effort (including emotional) right now.

An interesting sidenote on this is that at a recent family party at a restaurant where our extended family gathered to celebrate my dad’s 90th birthday, a male cousin remarked to me when my food arrived, “Oh Del, you are always so good about staying on your diet! How do you DO that?” Before I had a chance to reply, my (registered dietician) sister snapped: “That’s because she is OCD!” I didn’t challenge that #1, because I was a little stunned and #2, because we were not gathered to discuss diets or weight loss. But there was an uncomfortable silence (for her, might I hope?) afterwards. No one laughed. I would say, she said it sharply, perhaps wanting to make it joke-like, but it didn’t come out that way. I’m glad I let it drop, I think silence was the best “defense” in the situation. But it did once again bring up to me how although my sister has come to tolerate my unusual food behavior, even in a situation such as this where it has absolutely no impact on what she chooses to eat, it still irks her. While I know that’s not my problem, it’s not a pleasant experience for me, I don’t enjoy irking anyone.

Which brings me to another, really nice conversation I had about this with my hairdresser, who I’ve gone to for more than 20 years. Saturday I spent several hours there getting my hair highlighted. My appointment spanned lunchtime, so I packed myself a big salad. I was the only one in the salon, so while I was “cooking” (bleaching) she sat down and we ate together. She offered me some of her chocolate chip muffin and I said, no thanks, and she said oh that’s right, you’re always so good on your diet. And I said well yes, I don’t eat sugar ever, but it’s not because I’m good. It’s because I’m an addict. And she puzzled at that (I could almost see stick-thin her thinking “am I an addict?”) and I said Linda I’m like an alcoholic with sugar. I know a lot of people don’t understand or agree that some of us can be that kind of addicted to sugar, but you can eat your muffin and go to have a normal day and not think again about having more muffins until you’ve eaten all the muffins in the place and have to go out to buy more to replace the ones you’ve eaten, then buy a few more to secretly eat in addition to replacing the ones you ate. And she agreed that no, she could never eat more than one. And then she said well you are very strong, and I said no, I am very weak, that’s exactly why I don’t even start…just like the alcoholic. We don’t label abstaining alcoholics weak or strong (or OCD for that matter, wink!) And I really think then that she got it. Again, not that she needed to. But it sure felt better than the moment with my sister—I’m pretty sure I don’t irk her. But then again, I don’t eat a big meal with her every weekend…

Since last fall, as I have mentioned here before, I have been sharing my job. That certainly brought challenges, especially at first as it took more time to explain what I do and why, than it did to just DO it myself, but the extra time spent with that is paying off now, things are running more and more smoothly, and now I’m enjoying her as a work-mate and the peace of mind while away from there is great. February is one of our two busiest months. So the working change part of my life is settling down and that feels good.

On the physical/health side I’ve had about a 2-month long spell of serious knee problems, from early December to about 2 weeks ago when it began to resolve—just in the last few days I have had absolutely no knee pain. I feel pretty certain what brought this on was me spending about a month “forgetting” that my body doesn’t do very well with nightshade family foods—potatoes, tomatoes, eggplant and peppers. (Potatoes, of course, are a no-brainer for a paleo-style lowcarber.) But late this fall I sort of fell in love with a new way of preparing tilapia cooked with multi-colored peppers and onions and I overdid it, big-time, especially when I didn’t get any “warning” joint pains from the first few times. I really knew better, but even as far down this path as I am, I am not immune from thinking/hoping that an intolerance, especially to a natural, healthy paleo vegetable, might eventually disappear. Since becoming aware of this intolerance (which was long before my lowcarb days, especially with tomatoes), I have always been okay with an occasional small serving of nightshades, I just knew I had to keep it small and very occasional. Let’s just say I did some (hopeful) denying and paid the price. A few days were so bad I could barely walk, stairs were a tremendous challenge (and we live in a split level house!) I haven’t had a bite of nightshade since that began, and I believe that that, plus help from my alternative chiropractor, slowly got me back to this no pain place. I’ll not be playing with nightshades anytime soon.

The knee problems, plus the busyness of Christmas gave me ample reasons not to exercise and I haven’t gone back yet (today it’s too cold—hear the excuse?) My old gym has reopened under new management, I’m pondering going back there because the new one doesn’t have an indoor track, I used to walk 3 miles every morning at the old gym in the winters before work and I am missing that now. I hate treadmills.

Another issue that has been occupying us recently is the search for a different house to live in for the next 20-30 years. The knee problems especially, plus the fact that my father has much difficulty visiting here because of the multi-levels, have moved this to front-burner status. While the thought of moving (even a few blocks away) overwhelms me and there will be much sadness leaving our terrific neighbors and the house that we have made so many improvements to, we’ve certainly learned through the experience of our elders that old age and many stair-steps don’t mesh too well. The way to stay independent longer is to at least be ABLE to live on one level of your home for extended periods. Our house, nice as we’ve made it, won’t work for that, so it’s time for one last move before we hit the old-age home.

That plus the fact that I am in my normal/usual/ultra-comfortable pattern of eating just a little more food than I really need is what I believe has me at the top of my 139-144 “normal” range. I can gain weight on gold standard eating, it merely makes it a lot more difficult for me to gain—and I know it would be impossible for me to gain 10 pounds in a month eating like this, more like 1-2. Anyway, I need to be watching portions again I guess, darn it.

The message board on this site is in a lull, I know that’s partly because I can’t get to it nearly as often as I would like right now nor can I spend the time it takes to post thoughtful things for the people with threads to contemplate and discuss. That isn’t going to change until this summer. Connie, with two jobs (three if you count a bi-weekly contract job she does for her city council) and a young family, is probably even busier than I am. Yeesh, I haven’t spoken to her in a couple of weeks.

I also realize that the kind of help I think I am best at providing is the kind that is one-on-one with individual lowcarbers (via instant-message “coaching” sessions). It’s straightforward and direct, and because it’s private vs. public, it eliminates most of the embarrassing/humiliating aspects of helping someone come face to face with her own inconsistencies and demons. But it’s time-consuming and only helps one person at a time, and it only helps when the person is truly ready for real change. I’d hoped a more focused website might help more with less time commitment than a regular message board.

I’m pondering what, if anything to do about that.

Anyway there’s a big catch up for me. I’ve told you about my LWTD challenges, now tell me about yours.

Adele (144 this morning)

And admittedly a little frustrated, although not surprised, that it’s so much time and work invested, not to mention a financial outlay, and in the end so few benefit by consistently making the changes they need to. Reading about it, knowing it—“having the truth told to you” as someone expressed here—isn’t the deal at all. It’s living in line with the truth. The changes take place in our decisions, not our ideas or words. It can take a LONG time to see that what looks like change has been merely another—just longer, perhaps more drama-filled—circle on the all-or-nothing diet carousel.

This is a challenging phase of life for me. As part of the sandwich generation, I’m feeling nibbled to death by ducks, as the saying goes. My eating is okay, that really is set in stone, that took a LONG time—years—of struggling through the JUST DO IT phase, including the hardest which was to continue with it after I got where I wanted to be. It took 4-5 years to get to this bottom-line no-negotiation foundation that enables me to keep going when anything else goes awry or out of my control. I put that in place for myself and have slowly been able to let go of all of the social and familial fallout from being different that way. It has distilled into nothing more than “she’s a little odd about food” for others. That was very worth waiting out. How ridiculous—and of how strikingly little consequence to others—would it be for me to abandon myself now? No one except me would care, other than perhaps momentarily taking note, if I were to do so. That is so interesting to me. It seemed SO important socially and emotionally, but in the end it really hasn’t been. It takes a long time to see and acknowledge that we’re not important in that way to anyone else. We are important, but that is no more a measure of our value to others than whether or not we wear glasses.

The WANT is still there, sometimes strong—although never as strong as when giving into it was any kind of option. The want is still out of my control, just as is every other emotion that swirls and passes through me. Control is such a biggie with us.

So is “magical thinking”—that is what precedes a behavior lapse every single time. Magical thinking in this regard is hoping, then imagining, then finally deciding (acting) on that skewed notion that there’s a possibility that 2+2 will not add up to 4. It is feelings trying to battle facts. It’s no different than dropping $1,500 on a big screen plasma TV then being stunned when we don’t have money for the mortgage.

I believe our culture has been slowly coached to this mindset by the omnipresent media of marketing. Their economic survival requires that they whip us into then keep us in a frenzied state of failings, inadequacies, and unfulfilled wants. By agreeing to believe them—by buying their wares, from diamonds to dishrags and diets to dream lives—we are living in the fallout, the unintended consequence, of having more more more, better better better endlessly dangled in front of us like a carrot.

Even simplicity is marketed now. (Shrug, no thanks, I believe I’ll find my own way with that.)

Still, I’m here for me, I wouldn’t have it any other way, I Am Still Here. I’m back on Fitday for a few days…I know I’ve been eating a little too much of the right things, as usual. I can still WANT 2 and 2 to NOT be 4.

Adele (143 this morning)

Over the last six weeks or so my elderly dad’s condition slowly deteriorated to where he became short of breath upon minimal exertion—he couldn’t even walk the very short walk to the elevator in his retirement community apartment without resting. In the last two weeks we’ve had two trips first to his primary care doctor, then two to his cardiologist, but the good news is that the cardiologist was able to adjust his medications and now he is doing a whole lot better, perhaps a bit better than he was when he moved here back in August 2005. On Monday I took him to visit and spend Thanksgiving with his 86 year-old girlfriend who lives 100 miles away. My sister is picking him up and bringing him home today.

We had a fairly normal Thanksgiving with both our kids and our closest friends where the food was all fine—I had a small baked yam in addition to turkey and green beans with almonds. My friend’s grown daughter has many food allergies and she made a crustless pumpkin custard that was both dairy and sugar free, sweetened with stevia, I had a small piece of that. No leftovers to euthanize this year.

Before I knew we would be joining them for Thanksgiving dinner, I had already purchased a turkey which I cooked Wednesday night so we’ve had turkey leftovers, and tonight I’ll be freezing what’s left and this will leave me well stocked with turkey for salads for a nice long time.

How did everyone else do? I hope you’ll be updating your threads!

Adele (144 this morning)

On Halloween evening (I remember because I was constantly answering the door as I ate dinner that night), I ate some fresh-cooked pumpkin, something I’d never had before. I’ve occasionally had some canned pumpkin but never cooked a fresh one, but thought it might be a little change of pace when I saw fresh “pie” pumpkins at the store. (It tasted nothing like canned pumpkin to me, tasted like a cross between spaghetti and butternut squashes—neither of which I eat often.) I had it two nights in a row (just baked and eaten with salt and olive oil.) I’ve felt somewhat constipated and noticeably bloated ever since. I have a hunch that something has ignited some yeast in me. I will be seeing my alternative medical practitioner (a chiropractor who uses applied kinesiology) this week, perhaps he will have some insight into what, if anything, might be going on.

(For what it’s worth as an aside here, although relatively lowcarb and on the Atkins induction-okay list, pumpkin is a winter squash, as such it’s technically not paleo legal, which is one reason why I don’t eat even canned pumpkin often.)

I also had some very minor gum surgery (one stitch) on Wednesday, no drugs except novocaine, and then a few doses of Advil since then. I feel like somebody hit me in the chin with a sledgehammer, but I was told it should resolve pretty quickly. “Oh you’ll definitely be aware that we were IN there,” said the dentist about how this would feel for the next few days…..

I quietly passed the 7 years at goal point last week and have (finally) posted an updated picture on my page. I never did get a 6-years-at-goal picture taken, ah well. I do remember when it was a day-by-day ordeal, even with this current mini-frustration it’s not an ordeal. Never quite thought YEARS would pass but, on the other hand, to make this a sustained way of life, they simply HAVE to.

So that’s a bit about how I’m doing right now.

Adele (146 this morning)

There have been no big changes, I’m still strength training regularly, harder than I ever have before and having a lot of mixed feelings about what it’s causing in my body. I’m clearly gaining muscle that I can see and feel, and the tough thing about that is that firmer, more developed muscles (such as my upper arms, shoulders and even my butt) are making me feel BIGGER and that messes with my brain and the inner “system” I’ve slowly developed for staying calm about my body. I’m okay, but it’s taking a little more effort to BE that way, if that makes any sense.

Thanks to a “hey is everything okay?” e-mail from my own mentor, with whom I am shamelessly out of touch, I realize I have stopped walking (with me right now SOMETHING is always having to give, time-wise) and I miss very much the regular emotional release that afforded me. I’m starting to reconsider what I have given up in order to get the strength training back in. Is this another piece of the neverending addict’s all-or-nothing struggle within me?

I had two restaurant meals last week which almost always cause a spike, and now that my base weight seems to be more like 143 (due to the increased muscle), I am going momentarily a little crazy when I spike to 145, which has happened twice now. This also puts me in “damage control mode” that is – to be ultra-careful, especially with portions and calories, until the effects of those meals are gone, and that, in turn, is a just a whisper away from the old dance of “oh go ahead and have a blowout now, you can fix the damage later.” And THAT is the first verse in the dance song entitled “Oh what the hell, I might as well.” I do not like damage control mode and I think it is a dangerous mode to get into. It’s THE addict’s circular pattern of another turn on the succeed-fail lifecycle. Still, so far in my journey, a subtle little bit of damage control has to be part of how this works in the real world I live in.

My daily life is still a little more full than I’d like but that’s the way it has to be for now. I was supposed to have had a week “off” while my father visited his ladyfriend 100 miles away, but he called and demanded to come home 3 days early, and there went the quiet, peaceful weekend I’d been looking forward to. I am understanding, finally, that he is generally (if understandably) frustrated and unhappy with the limits aging has put on him, and this causes him to quickly want to get away from wherever it is he happens to be at any given moment.

I spent this morning getting my food planned and prepared for next week, that still feels good. Later this week I’ll pass into the 7 years at goal mark. These days it seems longer than that, lol.

Now my current truths are on the table, everybody else follow suit please! I will catch up here as best I can in the coming days.

Adele (144 this morning)

A new school year always brings a few fresh faces into what I would call an unusually tight-knit staff and work environment. This year there’s a bigger a job-change in my own part of that, the sharing of my job (which was requested by me), which has me facing some, um, growth opportunities as well. Juggling into this my renewed recommitment to better, more consistent strength training (which waned over the last year when my father moved here and my old gym closed) has been another interesting factor, one that is bringing a challenge that should have been predictable, one I’ve faced and abided before, but one I find I am nevertheless daunted and frustrated by. There are still some heavy time demands and emotional challenges I’m facing both with my aging father and the life-launching struggles of one of our (grown) children. These two challenges especially, also have an impact on my home-marriage life. Another change is that my only sibling, my sister, is in the process of moving to town, this has been an almost exclusively positive change, an exciting one too, as she is building a beautiful home and even though I’m a little jealous (I have “pantry envy”!), it’s been fun to watch. Having her here will help a lot with our father, but as a change (we haven’t lived in the same city for 25 years) it is still a bit of a challenge.

It is also becoming just a little tricky and uncomfortable for me to write about some things here because there are now some people in my personal/school life who know about and at least occasionally visit this site. It brings another dimension and challenge to discussing all this, as it would not be okay with me if, for instance, they (understandably) felt compelled to post “their own side” of any experiences I might relate here (just as it wouldn’t be okay for any of YOUR friends/family to comment about your journey here either). It’s not that they don’t or can’t have interesting or meaningful input, it’s that I’m not here to work things out with THEM, I know I can and will do that elsewhere. I’m here only to work things out within ME, the part of me that is a food addict and as such has to (over?)process things a little differently.

At my job, each year some of our newer staff members notice and eventually comment on the unusualness of my food/eating. It can be anything from “wow, that smells so good, what is that?” and “you always bring such healthy lunches” to “ugh, what is that smell?” (usually plain unheated cooked cabbage or broccoli). One challenge I haven’t faced in a while is what I would describe (although perhaps the speaker would not) as a slightly-uncomfortable, nervous “oh you are SO funny” comment several times, when food discussion comes up, along with many questions about what I eat (but never why, at least not so far). ONE of these exchanges had me discussing (defending?)—then, surprisingly, craving—apples for several days.

The strength training fits in here in that I am gaining muscle (my bodyfat percentage has gone down 5% I learned yesterday) and although I’ve also lost some fat, the number on the scale is gradually going up, so is my appetite. As someone who has learned to run on a kind of auto-pilot with hunger and life management, this is a change that has rattled me a bit. I just sort of know (from experience in honing out the details of my now auto-pilot plan) that I need some more carbs (ketosis is too heavy) and more calories, and I am trying to carefully experiment with that, but both time limitations and habit have made that a little challenging too, I’m guessing it’s baby-stepping out of that quiet habit-comfort zone eating place that has me a bit rattled. That plus just being hungrier than I am used to being.

I WANTED to test fruit, and apples especially after that exchange I just mentioned when she was chomping on what sure looked like a really sweet, glistening, crunchy apple! That old “I SHOULD be able to eat apples, they’re a natural, healthy, even paleo-correct food, I know I need to increase my carbs, I SHOULD go ahead and test apples, yeah maybe apples would help me now” thinking pattern returned. But I have been on this journey long enough now to be absolutely, positively sure that, sigh, fruit is the last thing I need, fruit brings cravings back every single time—this time even seeing and talking about apples helped bring the cravings back. I have tested fruits plenty, I have never gotten any result except my body can’t do fruit without dissolving into wanting almost nothing BUT fruit. Fair or right, I am positive that much is true so, sigh again, I abided and the cravings passed.

Instead I have been experimenting with eating a small amount (½ cup) of baked yam when I’m starving and need more carbs. I’ve had 3 now in the last 3 weeks, one day recently I put it on Fitday and it helped balance the pie-chart in a more-carbs direction. I like yams fine, but I don’t dissolve or think about when is the next time I can have one, I don’t eventually come undone. I also keep thinking I should try eating some cooked carrots with dinner, but so far I haven’t gotten around to that, I already eat carrots almost daily as a snack and in at least one salad daily. So that’s the eating change/challenge.

The emotional part of this which I will just keep abiding is that my weight is creeping up, I’m bouncing between 143-144 these days, don’t think I’ve seen 142 since one or two times last week. According to the trainer I’ve only put on one pound from the first day (I know I probably did lose some weight/muscle when I fell and was laid up for about 6 weeks, my weight dropped briefly into the 130’s then), and again, the bodyfat has dropped, so that’s good. Anyway, I’ve talked this extreme/excessive fear of mine over with him, I’m discussing it here and deciding to abide. I know I look and feel better. I just signed up for more sessions with him through November, I have also learned through this that having an appointment for me right now is a powerful motivator, I am learning that right now I have more valid excuses than anyone I know to NOT go to the gym. So I go and pay someone to MAKE me do it and do it RIGHT. It feels very worth it.

The father stuff and the son stuff is just the stuff of life, the job stuff probably is too. It IS nice having more time off, even if I do spend 75% of it with my father, it is much less stressful than it was last year, even if at first it’s a little more work explaining what, why and how I do things at my job then trusting someone else do it (right). I can definitely feel some of my perfectionist and control issues coming to the fore. I have a little too much of myself and my self-worth invested in that job that I’m having to let go of. She’s even had some good suggestions for changes, a good example of a fresh perspective coming in. Even if she does eat apples. (wink)

Adele (143 this morning)

I did want to post here that I had my annual staff party/gathering at my house Monday evening, one occasion (out of four yearly) where I normally have one martini. Earlier this year for several reasons I decided I’d like to forgo alcohol for the time being for several reasons. One is that I’ve noticed that I can’t lift weights worth squat for 3-5 days after having alcohol. Another is that I have a noticeable increase in both the number and intensity of hot flashes for a few days afterwards, and I also seem prone to night leg cramps for about the same amount of time.

Anyway, thanks at least in part to making myself accountable here, especially in relating to Eileen’s thread, as well as an earlier board discussion with Sherry I declined my “allowed” drink at that party. I had an appointment for personal training the next day (yesterday) and was especially glad then that I hadn’t changed my mind.

I notice most others here have been quiet too, hope you’ll all be updating your threads soon.

Adele (141 this morning)

I’ve been back weight training for several weeks now with a serious personal trainer named James, who I concurrently adore and detest—I’m pretty sure that’s what a healthy relationship with a personal trainer is supposed to look like—and I am so happy about that. He’s a muscled young hunk, and interestingly to me he’s totally into paleo nutrition, not the least bit afraid of (good) fats, and even a little interested in what I do here. He took a look at this website and said Connie is a fox, lol.

In the bigger picture of my life and my journey, I can see that after 4-5 years at goal and getting as clear as spring water about the diet and the bottom-line role it plays in the way I AM now, I still have some journeying to do with how exercise fits into my life. I have never totally let go of it, but as my life in the sandwich generation has unfolded in food sobriety/abstinence mode, things have come up, especially a couple of relatively minor injuries, that have had the unintended consequence of showing me that I don’t HAVE to exercise every day to maintain my weight, or even emotional clarity, over time. Nevertheless, going very long without it, even though it doesn’t cause my weight to fluctuate much (especially since I am now 2 years post-menopausal), and even though my body doesn’t CRAVE good exercise—it’s NOT an addiction, believe me, I can quit anytime, lol—my body adores good exercise. And when my body is happy, well I am just so much better off than merely sober and emotionally anchored.

I am in a rut with food, happily. (See Don’t You Ever Get Into a Rut with Food?.) But I knew inside that I had also gotten into a rut with exercise (hey food ruts work for me, why shouldn’t the same work with exercise?) Well, I was given the unusual and ultimately “lucky” opportunity to change that last spring when the gym I had been going to for 6 years abruptly closed for at least 6 months to undergo a total remodel, and I had to change my exercise place or quit exercising. Not a pleasant thing for the creature of exercise habit I had become.

Well, new gym = fresh start opportunity for me. James is working hard to help me change that big-time. He is coaching/leading me about exercise much like I try to coach others about the diet and the important foundation it will provide for a saner life. It’s interesting being the coachee, it helps me understand a lot about how I irritate people sometimes, in what I believe is ultimately their better interests.

I sense that I’ve already put on a pound or two of muscle, that’s a minor frustration when working with my former nemesis, the scale. I still haven’t completely shed the old high-school Miss America notion that I SHOULD weigh in the 120’s or low 130’s, and this isn’t gonna help that. But I have plans to see Connie next week, and we’ll get some new pictures (the one of me on my page is now almost 2 years old) and hopefully I’ll see I’m still okay, even if I’m grandma material age-wise.

Adele (139 this morning)

My update is that I’ve been BUSY! It always is this time of year. My work (as the office manager of a preschool) is heating up, I’m spending a lot of time there, right now at least I can do that on whatever schedule works for me, but that will change in a few more weeks when the classes actually begin. The good news then is that I will be cutting back to only working two and a half days per week, this year I will have a half-time assistant who will be working the other 2 and a half.

I’m still spending 3-4 hours a day with my father. He gets cabin-fever and needs to get out of his retirement community most every day for a few hours. I’m the designated driver for those regular sojourns.

My father is a retired industrial engineer, albeit a nearly blind one now, and one of our regular activities is going over and “inspecting” my sister’s homebuilding project—right up his alley! And he’s even caught a couple of problems, which makes him feel helpful and valued. Another fun activity my dad and I have figured out is that I can drop him off at a giant hardware store, like Home Depot or Lowes, which he loves to just poke around in, with my DH’s cell phone in his pocket. We’ve figured out that he can see JUST enough to hit the green (call) button twice, and that will dial my cell phone, so I can be at the grocery store or Target nearby and go pick him up when he’s had enough poking around.

One difficulty of trying to do my grocery shopping WITH my father along is that he constantly makes comments about how much of everything I buy (and eat!) The same thing goes for how much and what all I cook. He is here often and it’s hard for me to cook 3 pounds of pork side, as I do about once every 3 weeks, without him exclaiming over and over how much meat (and FAT) that is, and am I REALLY going to eat it all, exactly WHAT is it again?, and why don’t I eat regular bacon? I find I am now trying to cook when he’s not around. This morning already I’ve cooked and frozen six chicken breasts and six thighs.

We’re still having regular overnight visitors, as the home-builders come to inspect, meet, plan, etc. In some ways we enjoy that, and any help with dad is welcome, but to addicted-me and my non-negotiable eating requirements, guests also bring some commotion. What the long and varied experience of this leading-with-the-diet journey has given me, thank goodness, are the skills to manage this along with the now very long view that absolutely everything in life—terrific or terrible—will pass eventually, and that I can come through all of it either okay or not, that’s still totally up to me and the choices I continue to make. Every day, often just by habit now (doesn’t really matter why), I choose “stay centered” in that one tiny little area of my life where yes, it would be easier to cut loose and waggle a bit. Instead I continue to pay it forward for myself each day, and I continue to be glad I decided to do that. I love being strong and centered about food now, I’m in charge of it instead of it being in charge of me—even when it’s awkward or, in the case of my father’s constant questioning and testing—it’s irritating.

I’m still weightlifting strenuously for an hour with trainer-James twice a week and for the first time in my life I am able to do four (up from just one last week) REAL push-ups, and fifteen GIRLY ones!! I’ve been especially careful with my eating all summer (I tend to overeat, especially protein, just enough to put on about a pound a month if I’m not careful). My weight is up about 2 pounds now, but I am positive it’s new muscle. That’s a little hard to see day after day, but I am abiding, liking the new strength and firm muscles, and also liking that I’ve got the strength training routine back in my life in a structured but not insane way. Twice a week is working really well, and having an appointment with a trainer to do that has been VERY helpful in seeing that I get that done.

This site turns one year old tomorrow, I’m proud of that. Thank you Connie for giving me the time that you didn’t have (and the computer/internet expertise that you did) to make it happen. I would like to be able to get here more, I know I still need the regular self-exploration and some kind of public accountability. In some surprising senses though, I’m coming to see that a “less is more” approach is working better in at least some instances for illustrating for each other how we are managing and growing through this life-change to abstinent living in a culture that doesn’t really view food as a drug.

One babystep toward getting even more accountable and, perhaps, a lot less afraid of what anybody else might think about me and my views, today I’ve added my last name to the essays and articles I’ve written and included here. Another step out of the cave, I’d venture to say.

Adele (142 this morning)